Pat, I've thought it over, and I'm ready to start moderately liking you again.

Oh high school.

I Love You, Beth Cooper opens with class valedictorian Denis Cooverman, the dweeby, sweaty, Northwestern-prone nerd, giving his graduation speech, during which he professes his undying, unrequited love for the hottest girl in school: Beth Cooper. What happens next is the wild romp of Denis's first night as a real adult man, where he gets fists punched into both eyes, assists with some minor grand theft auto, smells his first female crotch, and helps his movie-quoting friend realize he's a flamboyant homosexual.

This book was pretty stupid, but it was occasionally funny, and I read it all in one day, and nobody died, and there were no nuclear explosions. So, I'll take what I can get, is what I'm saying.

Verdict: wait for the movie. Chris Columbus is directing it, and my god, did you see how amazing he made RENT?! Lavish tango scenes! Forty-year-old actors playing young twenty-somethings! Mark and Roger screaming at the top of their vocal ranges from Santa Fe mountain ranges and New York City rooftops!!! Fuck you Chris Columbus. You had a whole career ahead of you. Home Alone. Gremlins. Home Alone 2. And then you ruined everything. Fuck yourself hard. 

I'm out.